caramax

I said that having my ex know about my blogs wouldn’t stop me from writing. But I let it. And I put on 7 lbs!!

I need this blog, it keeps me sane. So (excuse my language)  fuck it, he posts his whole life’s activities on bebo, he might as well read about mine.

I’ve been walking a lot this week cause the weather’s been nice and I’ve lost 3 of the evil sneaky 7 pounds that crept back on over the last month. That’s something I suppose. And it’s put me back down to my first goal weight, only 10 more till my second mini goal. I’ve got this far so it WILL happen!

Chocolate was my downfall as usual but I’m giving myself a week off from it so I can enjoy a few eggs at easter. Knowing I’ll get to much away on chocolate eggs (you know it tastes better in egg form lol) in less than a weeks time is working well to motivate me to stay away from it just now. It’s just the kicking the habit after easter I’m worried about.
I’ll get some will power by then.

Seeing a new guy just now too, who is a lot more supportive on the weight loss front than any member of my friends or family. He lost SIX STONE last year, so he’s also a bit of an inspiration. Although also a chocoholic..it’s nice to be able to share it with someone. Lol.

Anyways. I’m going for a 2lbs weight loss this week. It can be done!!!!

x

27lbs down, and I still can’t really see it. I know it’s gone, but maybe it’s because I see myself every day I can’t see the difference.
I went to my gran’s on Saturday though and my aunt immediately said I’d lost loads of weight. And my brother-in-law said the same on Sunday. Which is fantastic! I’m so happy. I just wish I could see it.
Think what I’ll do now is every goal I reach I’ll get a picture taken. Why didn’t I think of that before actually?

2 lbs down this week and a few wee half inches of some areas. Very pleased.

Last time I measured / now
Neck 13.5″ 13″
Arm 13.5″ 13.5″
Bust 43″ 43″
Back 37″ 36.5″
Waist 35.5″ 35″
Tummy 44″ 43.5″
Hips 43″ 42.5″
Thigh 25.5″ 26″
Calf 17.5″ 17.5″

I found out last night my ex reads this blog. So might as well send you a personalised hello Andy.

Blogging on here has been the only way I’ve ever kept up weight loss, and I felt last night like I’d have to stop. Yes it’s mostly weight loss related, but my LIFE affects this, so I write about everything. And I don’t necessarily want to share that with the whole world.

Everyone on this site is here for the same reason, so I can easily tell you lot everything. But I wouldn’t show this to my family or my close friends. It’s more personal than I’d want to share with them.

Sigh.

He wasn’t very happy with the way he’s portrayed in my blogs. So for the record, yeh he’s a nice guy. A nice guy who recently slept with the girl he cheated on me with, therefore destroying the tiny tiny miniscule little bit of faith I had in the male race.

But whatever, we weren’t seeing one another. I have no right to be annoyed. But I’m still hurt. It was only 2 weeks ago we really stopped trying to make it work. It’s been less than 2 weeks ago since he slept in my bed. So exactly how long did it take to jump into hers?
Of all the girls, in all the world, it’s the one he tried so hard to make me believe he wasn’t interested in.

Anyways, so I’ve had my heart broken like a million times these last 6 months, there’s not much left to break. Just gotta get on with it, and try to get the image out my head.
I still love him, and if one day he’d actually cut her out of his life for good, for all that’s happened, I know deep down I’d still wanna be with him. Unless she’s hit by a bus anytime soon, I doubt that’s gonna happen. Gotta cheer up and move on. And lose weight.
Maybe it’s a good thing, I seem to lose weight a hell of a lot faster whenever we’re not together. Lol.

On a lighter note, more inch loss. Go me!

last time I measured / now
Neck 13.5″ 13.5″
Arm 13.5″ 13.5″
Bust 44″ 43″
Back 37″ 37″
Waist 36.5″ 35.5″
Tummy 45″ 44″
Hips 44″ 43″
Thigh 26.5″ 25.5″
Calf 18″ 17.5″

Woooo 2 weeks later than I’d hoped, but I FINALLY reached my mini goal.
Been hovering about it for a while now but this week I’ve been right back on track and I’ve even been exercising. *shock horror* Yes me! Caroline McLazybones. I’m shocked by how much I’ve enjoyed it.
I can feel muscles in my arms and it’s so odd to me that I’ve spent most of the last few days rubbing them in awe. Haha.

I’ve even been having breakfast again and my chocolate cravings (my heroin) have finally gone.

I’ve set a new goal for 182lbs, which is a nice even 13 stone. I have no idea the last time I was that weight. I remember being 193lbs when I went to the doctors at 17. I don’t think I’d ever really weighed myself before that.

Oh and just to moan. My ex, the one that had been begging to come back and I thought he’d turned back into the man I knew..well lets say he disappointed me once again. Found out, through Bebo of all things, that he’d had the girl he cheated on me with at his house on valentines day. See if he’d had the guts to tell me, I wouldn’t have been so angry. I don’t really have much right to be angry since we’re not together (although had for the last month or so been sort of seeing one another again) but it’s the lies that get to me. He told me twice he only bumped into her at a bar that night, but I found out he actually drove and picked her up and took her back to his mum’s house. (His mum also blatantly lied to me as well).

Even more irritating!! Is that whenever he’s caught out lying he tries to turn it around and make out like he’s done nothing wrong and that it’s my fault. Rather than once admitted he’s lied saying sorry, he then gets really mad and says he can’t deal with me moaning (ie me confronting him when he’s lied lol).

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS I’ve also fallen in lust with another guy in my work. Why must they be so damn hot!!!!! Haha.

x

I’ve been a few pounds up then down then up since New Year…

Ultimately, I’m still the same weight.

I was a pound away from my mini goal, and within the time I’d set myself. Then I just lost focus and slipped out of all my good habits.
Today is a day for sorting myself back out. I’ve spent this afternoon sorting out my finances (which also went out the window) and yes, although I found a Mars Bar and practically inhaled it, I’m not gonna do the “I’ll start again tomorrow thing”. I’ve been doing that for a month.

I’ve got this far, I’m been so proud of myself but these last few weeks I’ve found my confidence slipping again. I guess it wasn’t my new weight that was creating the confidence, it was losing it week by week that made me feel like I could achieve anything. I miss that feeling waaaay too much to let chocolate and pizza spoil it.

Step 1: No chocolate in the house. I can’t do “just a little bit”. It’s my heroin. I need to go cold turkey and the cravings always disappear within the week.

Step 2:  Have the same dinners as Andrew.  What fills him, also fills me. My eyes are just a lot bigger than my belly.

Step 3: Stick to having proper meals. The more I skip during the day, the more I consume at 11pm when  I should be in bed.

I”ll let you know how I get on.

This last week, I’ve started to reward myself for being so good with my weight loss..with lots of food. Not good. Defeats the point. Adds pounds that I don’t want!
So instead, I went out today and rewarded myself with pretty tattoos!

Since I have these new collarbone things that I’ve never seen before, I got two stars just around the shoulder area to show them off. I’m so pleased.

Oh Buddy Slim! What have you done now!?
Lol. Technically this isn’t a blog. It’s just me letting off steam and having a moan.

Last Friday, the ex came to collect Andrew for the weekend. We’re still very friendly, so I asked him to fix something on the computer while Andrew was having his nap.

As he finished, he turned around to me and said “So you’re dating again?”

Stupid me had left Firefox open, Bebo on one tab my BuddySlim blog on the other.

He SWEARS he only read the title and closed it quickly because he didn’t want to know anything else, but I couldn’t really lie in case he had.
I told him I’d seen someone else once and that was it, I didn’t want to get into details with him because it’d just be weird.

But he kept asking and asking, “Have you slept with anyone else? Has anyone been back here? Has anyone slept in my bed?”
He wasn’t angrily doing it, it wasn’t threatening, but he also wouldn’t let it go. So I said yes. Yes I’d slept with someone, no he wasn’t getting any more details, and no I didn’t think anything else would ever happen with this guy so lets drop it.

He took it surpisingly well. He just sat there for a bit thinking, then he started quizzing me on who it was.I wasn’t going to tell him at all but he was guessing and he saw the look on my face when he mentioned the guy from work.

All of a sudden he changed from normal Andy, to extra caring, extra nice Andy. Usually he’d just stay for a wee bit while he collected Andrew, but no instead stayed for hours. I’ve got a trapped nerve in my shoulder that plays up and he insisted on giving me a massage to help it feel better.
He’s been texting me constantly,  asking to see me. On Saturday night when he knew I was out (and that there was a high chance that guy from work would be there too) he kept asking if he could come and pick me up. He lives about 20 miles from this club now by the way, and hasn’t picked me up from a night out since we were originally dating.

I think it was more to do with checking I was going home on my own than saving me the taxi fare.

It was also 4am! And he starts work at 8 on a Sunday! So he asked to stay over and I let him.
Sunday after work he comes home with the “I want you back I’ve been an idiot” speech. He took me to dinner and he’s been talking about marriage!

Tuesday came when I work til 9pm and he insisted on picking me up from work again. Can I point out no that I’ve been working late shifts for 7 or 8 months and not once has he offered to pick me up rather than letting me get the train.
And during that time while he was parked outside, he sat staring out the window looking for the guy I’d went out with. Even though he’d already admitted to finding him on bebo and looking through his pictures.

I just can’t believe after him cheating on me, and him leaving me even when at that point I was willing to forgive him..that he’s suddenly become mister jealous! It’s like he didn’t want me, but he definitely doesn’t want anyone else to have me either!

Yeh I always said I wanted to give it a second chance just for our son’s sake, but I just feel like it’s come at the worst time ever. I was really happy being single. I’d gotten to grips with living on my own and actually enjoying it. I’d proven to myself that I could keep losing weight and that I wasn’t going to let one bad experience put me off men for life. (although it took a while lol)

IF anything is going to happen with Andy, then I want to take things really slow. I don’t want him moving back in, and as much as I love getting lifts home, I don’t want him checking up on me either. I really feel like I need to give it a chance even for my own sake so I don’t regret it..I just don’t know if I’ve just moved on too far.

Right. This is gonna be a bit personal this one and more to do with sex than weight loss…so avoid if you like. Lol. I don’t wanna offend anyone by letting you in on my slutty life.

Technically it’s still related cause it’s all to do with me gaining confidence..but whatever.

You avid readers of my life may remember a month ago I plucked up the courage to kiss a guy from work when I met him in a club. Hadn’t really seen him about since but he text me last week and then began texting all day Friday and all through Saturday and we agreed to go out that night.

Had a fun time out with him, he’s really sweet (although still far too young!) and well…in my drunken state thought it would be a great idea to invite him back.
Not the sort of thing I usually do btw! Although I have spent the last 6 years in relationships so I’ve never really had the chance. I think part of it was that I wanted to get it out the way. I was so nervous about being with anyone since Andy left me and I think in my mind it was proving to myself that I was over him.

Only thing is, I thought I could just have a “fun night” without being all attached. God plenty of girls seem to do it. But no, I’m really not like that. I ended up just feeling awful about it. Yeh he has been flirting with me for months and it was sort of looking like it might happen, but I didn’t realise how much I really DID like him…and now I think I’ve just gone and ruined it by basically losing all respect for myself. :-/

BUT, I’m in two minds. Cause it probably did prove to me that I could move on. But I also just had to spend two days in work where the only seat left in the office for him to take was directly facing me. You ever got the train or the subway and sat across from a stranger and you have to try really hard not to look them in the eye? So you look at your nails and read posters over and over again? Yup. That was me.

If I knew he liked me, I’d laugh it off and just have fun. But..I think he’s just a player and although it’s not awkward and we’re still chatting..he just doesn’t really seem..interested. Or does he. I just feel really crap.

Now there’s a high chance work guy might be out in the same club on Saturday. Both our friends birthdays are on Saturday and they both want to go to the same place. Question is…do I avoid him? Flirt with him? Outrightly ask him if he’s interested?

I’ve not been single in 6 years, I don’t know how this dating stuff works. Although I’m pretty sure the sex is meant to come after a few dates and not the first. *rolls eyes* I’m just learning.

Anyway, on a more weight loss related issue, I walked into work today and took off my coat and a girl in my team gasped and said I’d lost “loads of weight”. (Not just weight, loads of it lol) So my day started off pretty well anyway.

Here are my measurements to keep track, and cross your fingers that somehow I can just forget about lovely, sexy, I want to drool all over him -work guy.  Haha.

last week / now
Neck 13.5″ 13.5″
Arm 14″ 13.5″
Bust  44.5″ 44″
Back 38″ 37″
Waist 37″ 36.5″
Tummy 45″ 45″
Hips 44″ 44″
Thigh 27″ 26.5″
Calf 17″ 18″ (I swear cycling is giving me monster calves)

I finally did it!
I finally fit into the pair of size 18 jeans that have NEVER been worn.
My mum bought me them on sale during the summer (at the point I was just creeping out of size 18) and they were faaar too small. So back of the cupboard they went.
Desperation called today when I realised I haven’t actually done a washing in two weeks (shh I know I’m a slob) and I’d run out of clean trousers. So I went hunting and found these jeans and then danced around a lot when they actually did up.

*dances*

I’ve been on a bit of a binge this week too cause somewhere I’d just lost my motivation, but not now baby!

I have to give out a massive big thank you to everyone here for all your support. I don’t really get it from my family or friends and I’ll log on here and read blogs and see everyone else doing it I know I’m not alone. Big hugs to all you people who leave comments on my blogs too because even on my breaks in work I log on and read them again to make me feel good and avoid the evil chocolate vending machines.
Big hugs to all of you!

xx

My ex came round to see Andrew this evening and actually said he could see my weight loss!
I almost keeled over with shock! Lol.

Andy is the most unobservant person ever..although, maybe that’s just a man thing. But it really made a difference hearing that from him.

I still can’t really see any weight loss. I know that my trousers are a bit looser, and I know around my waist I must have lost something because my under-bust belt I’m wearing in the pictures on my profile over the grey dress, I’ve tried to wear a few times recently and it just falls down to my waist. But, although I *know* these things, I still can’t SEE it on me.

It’ll maybe take a bit longer for me to really see a difference in the mirror, but my mum commented the other day too, and with Andy commenting it’s just really given me a big boost.

I wish I’d started measuring from the start, but I have some good news at least this week.
Half inch off my arm and bust. (Damn I wish it’d stay there though!)
And 2 inches off my tummy and an inch off my hips!!

last week / now
Neck 13.5″ 13.5″
Arm 14″ 13.5″
Bust 45″ 44.5″
Back 38″ 38″
Waist 37″ 37″
Tummy 47″ 45″
Hips 45″ 44″
Thigh 27″ 27″
Calf 17″ 27″